Down, but not OUT

After several months of absence from my writing, I have returned.  My poor blog, I have left it abandoned, but thankfully it has not abandoned me.  It’s still here, patiently waiting my return.  When I started this blog I told myself I would not be those that forget about their writing after the initial “high” you get from doing this type of work…yet I became just that.  I set an expectation only to fail…ugh it…why do we do this to ourselves.  Set these expectations of what you are “suppose” to be doing or the type of person you are “suppose” to be and then when we don’t live up to our own lofty expectations we beat ourselves up about it.  As if life does not come with enough of its own challenges, no, we decide we are going to put even more pressure on ourselves as opposed to just being… and be cool with whatever that is.

I could not bring myself to return to my writing because I feel had nothing else to say.  I am completely aware that pretty much the only person who reads this is my mom and nanny, but still.  I thought I had some “wisdom” to share about a lifestyle that makes life more manageable.  However when I was struggling with life’s curve balls, I thought …what right do I have to share anything when I am in the struggle, the quicksand, in the dark…lost.

My specific struggle was dealing with my long distance relationship, my boyfriend is in the Air Force and lives in North Dakota while I am in DC. Relationships (as we are told) are never easy…gay, straight, whatever they are just complicated.  Part of the reason I started this blog was to have something to keep me occupied while we get through this challenging step we are in.  Just when we think we get into a good rhythm boom, something else happens…like now he is deployed to Africa and I will not see him until April.

I won’t take this moment to talk about the details and minutia of how we are getting by, that can be for another day.  I can say that these past 3 months have been some of the most emotionally challenging 3 months of my life.  I crutched along with teaching and coaching as my only support, but as soon as I would come home…the darkness would creep back in.  I wasn’t always at my best…but when I coached my volleyball team, I was on point giving our family of volleyball players everything I knew I could to teach them the game and life.  We formed a volleyball family that fought to win no matter what, they just didn’t know they were also my inspiration to keep the fight of sticking with my relationship.

So then when the season came to a close for a moment my world came crashing down.  It was a Friday and everything got dark.  I couldn’t see a way out.  No where to turn, nobody I thought I could talk to about what I was going through.  I didn’t want to keep fighting and loosing, however my dog wanted to go out he forced me out of the house.  We went into nature to this creek and I sat on this rock praying for some strength some help a sign, anything.  Max was being annoying and barking at the water like a jerk.  I was mad at him and life.  I lashed out at him, but he didn’t really care.  We went home and I took my position on the couch to continue to hate my life.  I just decided I was done fighting the feeling and was just going to be this way.  I decided life was a miserable place and was just about suffering.  You have some good moments but for the most part this is hell on earth.  So I just laid there with these awful feelings just letting them consume me.  After a few hours of that at around 4:30….I got up and made coffee.  It’s Costa Rican coffee time I thought and when I got up…those feelings I had just been embracing could not be found.  I made my coffee and then took Max on a walk.

We strolled along, the sun was just setting it was a picture perfect #nofilter type of afternoon and something was missing.  The darkness that was all-consuming was gone replaced with these sense of calmness.  Not happy, not sad….just calm.

That was three weeks ago and the calm feeling remained until the morning of this week.  I actually felt happy again.  I stopped trying to feel whatever I thought I was suppose to feel and naturally I just felt excited and eager for the day.  Eager for thanksgiving and the time I would be spending with my US family in New Jersey.  I was dancing and singing, the old Tico I knew and loved was back.  All I had to do was stop trying, surrendering to whatever I was feeling at the time.

I am much better at physical challenges…but now life has decided to challenge me emotionally…and it certainly took some hard hits at me.  I was down, but not out.  The fight was not over and I am back up, stronger and ready for more.  Sometimes surrendering and letting be, is not giving up but the best weapon against the greatest foes.

So happy Thanksgiving…

 

 

 

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